One year ago today I was sitting in a doctor’s office in NYC hearing the news that would change my life forever. On November 16, 2010, Dr. Boulad, officially diagnosed me with High Grade MDS, which turned into AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia) within weeks. Needless to say, Matt and I were devastated. We left the hospital that day in disbelief and silence. When we arrived back at our hotel I began to feel a sense of hopelessness that I had never experienced before. I remember thinking what terrible timing! I had lived 35 years with Fanconi Anemia with no big issues. Why now? Why did this have to happen only months after we had adopted Eyasu and Abreham from Ethiopia. Did God not want me to be their mother? We had thought our lives were just beginning, but at that moment it seemed like mine was coming to an end.
The next morning, November 17th, Matt and I woke up and began packing for our flight back home. I looked down at my iPhone and saw the date and mumbled flippantly to Matt, “Happy Anniversary.” It was our 9th wedding anniversary, but there was nothing happy about it. We were both grieving and hurting over the news we had heard the day before.
Looking back at the past year I have often been reminded of a passage of scripture that tells us there is a time for everything.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There are many things that God has taught me this past year. I have learned that He never leaves us. I have learned that He grieves with us and that no tear goes unnoticed by Him. I have learned how much He shows His love for us through the body of Christ. I have learned that there is a time for everything! Life is full of many ups and downs. If we never experience the valleys in life we won’t fully appreciate the mountain tops.
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There are many things that God has taught me this past year. I have learned that He never leaves us. I have learned that He grieves with us and that no tear goes unnoticed by Him. I have learned how much He shows His love for us through the body of Christ. I have learned that there is a time for everything! Life is full of many ups and downs. If we never experience the valleys in life we won’t fully appreciate the mountain tops.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that God’s timing truly is perfect. If I had gotten sick before we adopted Abreham and Eyasu they would not be our children. God waited until we had them and then he chose to heal me. The bone marrow transplant has healed the blood part of Fanconi Anemia, but all of the other cells in my body still have the defective gene. I still have a very high risk of getting other cancers. The oldest known person with Fanconi Anemia is 51. I’d love to break that record! I would love to live 50 more years and see my boys grow up and have families of their own. I would love to see what God has in store for their lives and have a ringside seat to watch it all unfold! But, I have to trust that God has a plan and his timing is perfect.
Through this past year, I’ve also learned not to sweat the small stuff. Matthew 6:34 says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I never truly understood this verse until now. I want to live each day to the fullest treasuring every moment that God gives me. When I get to heaven I will worship and praise God with no sin to hinder, but I want to have more time to love and serve him here on earth despite my sinful state. Unconditional love and service.
Living with a life threatening disorder all of my life has caused me much worry and stress, but not anymore. I’m no longer going to worry about tomorrow or five years from now. I am no longer going to live in fear of what might happen. I am holding my hands up in complete surrender. I am waving the white flag. I am giving up control. God has much bigger plans that I could ever imagine. I don’t have to worry about the future. God already has it all planned.
Another thing I have understood more deeply this year is the gift that God gave me as a husband. Matt is my best friend and I couldn’t imagine going through this past year without him. He has been my rock and has loved me unconditionally. I have felt the love of Christ through him. And when I wake up tomorrow morning, November 17, I will not flippantly mumble to Matt, “Happy Anniversary.” There is a time for everything and this is a time to celebrate 10 wonderful years with the man that God chose for me. And he chose well!
I sit here on November 16, 2011, feeling much different emotions than I did one year ago. Instead of weeping, our house is full of laughter. Instead of silence, there is the sound of joy. Instead of thoughts about death, our house is full of life! Instead of mourning, there is much dancing. There is a time for everything. Today is a time to heal, to build, to embrace, to mend, to love and tomorrow to CELEBRATE!
